Is this you? The Nice Guy?
Do you go out of your way to please a woman and give them everything they want? Do you put your own needs and desires aside to give women what they say they need, only to be put in a friend zone? Are you constantly failing with women even though you feel like you are giving them exactly what they want?
Once upon a time, women always said that they want a Nice Guy, but do they really?
No, they don’t. They want a Good Guy, and there is a big difference.
Many times, Nice Guys are created in their childhood. They may not have the same attitude in their make up as other boys, with the drive to go after what they want. Maybe they are smaller or less masculine, or that they feel they aren’t as attractive as other guys.
Sometimes, it’s a learned behavior stemming from their parents, often their mothers. As children, they are taught that they will get more by being “good little boys” and being pleasant and not disagreeable. They are taught that by going after what they want, they are actually being bad or causing disruption.
As they grow up, these lessons are ingrained in the boys, and they begin to use it in their dating life. If it made Mom happy it must work for women in general, right? It might work for these guys once or twice to reinforce, but most of the time, the woman will show she isn’t interested in taking this relationship to the next level.
However, hope springs eternal even with Nice Guys. They are always optimistic when it comes to getting what they want.
So, after their nice actions don’t get them the girl, they just think it was the wrong situation. In some cases, they might act bitter, and even wronged over the situation. They might even throw the friendship with the girl away, acting as if it doesn’t matter to them. This isn’t the right way to go about things. Sometimes, it just won’t work out with a girl, this doesn’t mean you throw everything away. Maybe next time it’ll work better for them. And they try again, and again and the vicious circle keeps going.
Being a Nice Guy Is Actually Toxic
If you are a nice guy who has problems dating women, you are probably very confused. You feel like you are doing everything right, but in reality, you have absolutely no success. And when you do meet a woman and go out a few times, it ends before anything gets serious. Why?
Because Nice Guys are Actually Very Selfish!
A Nice Guy is acting upon personal reasons that are often hidden from the women he interacts with. These reasons can become very toxic. Nice Guys have inner turmoil going all the time.
They feel slighted because they give and give and don’t receive a return on their “nice investment.”
They fix other people’s problems and can become upset when it isn’t reciprocated even though the other person has no idea they wanted that.
They are constantly seeking approval from others instead of being self-secure.
They have a drive to do things the right way in order to gain approval, instead of self-worth.
They repress their feelings because they don’t want to upset people and lose their Nice Guy status.
They can’t make their needs a priority, which leads to a lack of self-reliance.
They are actually being dishonest and disingenuous because they hide their feelings and mistakes and say what they think people want to hear versus the truth.
They can be very passive aggressive and actually hold in rage until it explodes, damaging relationships.
Have you ever been on an airplane and they go through the safety drill before takeoff? And when they get to those masks, what do they always say?
“Secure your own mask first and then assist the other person.”
It’s the same with dating. If you aren’t secure and happy and getting what you need, how can you do the same for her? You need to look and see what someone offers you.
It sounds shallow, but it’s not. Why would you want to be in a relationship with a woman where you aren’t getting what you need from her? It doesn’t matter if it’s sex, communication or just emotional support. You need to create the mindset so that you understand you have needs and if you are with her, you need to have them fulfilled.
Now, I’m not saying you should break up with her if she won’t rub your feet every night. But you deserve basic happiness, respect, and fulfillment from the start.
A Nice Guy won’t think that way. He’ll put that mask on everybody else on the plane before his own and not understand why he’s feeling lightheaded. He’ll then get angry because he took care of others and they didn’t take care of him.
On the outside, the Nice Guy seems… well, nice! But inside, there is actually a lot going on, and most of it isn’t very pleasant. Inside his brain, it’s a maelstrom of fear, anger, and passive aggressiveness.
They think if they are nice to everyone, everyone will love them.
“If I meet other people’s needs without them having to ask for it, they will reciprocate and do the same for me.”
“If I do everything in a happy, nice way, everything will work out for me.”
They will do almost anything for others, leaving their own life a wreck.
They let other people walk all over them because they don’t want to be accused of being a troublemaker.
They will never say “No,” no matter how much it might be an imposition.
They seek the approval of other people for their self-worth.
They put other people’s wants and needs before their own.
Nice Guys tend to downplay their masculine nature in order to try to get closer to people.
The problem is that by doing this, you are giving your power away to other people and “unseen” forces like fate.
And what happens when things don’t work out? You are left holding the bag and feeling powerless, but you created things in such a way that you needed to interact with people for your happiness, and they won’t want to be around you.
What Do Women Think of Nice Guys?
We also need to look at how women view these nice guys. Many “nice guys” are notorious for thinking that women owe them something (and that something is usually sex), just for being friends with her. They have no interest in just being friends with that girl. One thing to realize among female circles is that nice guys are viewed with the idea “if he says he’s a nice guy, he isn’t.”
Not that long ago, some of my friends and I went out for a couple drinks after work. There was a good mix of men and women, so the discussions were getting very spirited at times. At some point, the conversation turned to dating and relationships. One of my male buddies who had seemed unlucky in that area asked our female friends, “I’ve been hanging out with this one girl forever. I drop everything for her, listen to her problems, help her run errands whenever she asks, but all she does is friend zone me. And now she’s seeing some suit! What the heck? Why wouldn’t she want to go out with me? I’m a nice guy!”
Some of our male friends agreed with him, but I cringed hard. The women? If looks could kill, there’d have been charges for five counts of murder that night. Fortunately, one of the more level-headed of our female friends calmly told him, “Frank, we love you, but you need to get over yourself. If you really care about this woman, you should be glad to be her friend. Isn’t being her friend better than nothing at all? And what about us? Are you mad about being in the ‘friend zone’ with us? And newsflash, just because you’ve been nice with her does not mean that she owes you shit. You’re the reason why women can’t say that we want a nice guy anymore. You say you’re a nice guy, but you aren’t.”
That was a huge slap in the face for all the men there. Even though I already knew not to say something like that, her words still affected me deeply. Why was my friend belittling his friendship with a woman just because he wanted to sleep with her? Since that night, he has not complained once about being put in the “friend zone” or about being a “nice guy”, and as far as I can tell, he’s still friends with that woman. Only time will tell if he stays a reformed nice guy.
More and more women are realizing the truth about self-proclaimed “nice guys”, and they aren’t liking it. The term is quickly becoming as dreaded as the phrase “friend zone”, if not more so.
Now I am going to lay some of the blame for this situation right at the feet of women. How often have you heard a woman say something like “If only I could meet a Nice Guy!” and then they date the Nice Guy and are completely unhappy? Then what do they say again? “Why can’t I just meet a Nice Guy…”
The problem is they are confusing Nice Guy with the Good Guy, which is actually what they want. What women really want is a good guy, someone who treats them right, someone who will be there to comfort them, to help them, to be by their side.
Over the years, nice guy has changed its meaning. It used to be what we think of as nice guy. But now, it is more of someone who pretends to be nice but who thinks women owe them something. Men were the ones who started changing the term, and for women, getting the two mixed up could be a big reason why they aren’t finding the kind of guy they actually want. Fortunately, women are starting to realize what nice guys now are, so perhaps soon they’ll learn what a good guy is.
A Good Guy is two things. First, he is a man who treats a woman with respect, honesty and passion. Second, he is a good fit for a woman because he has the masculine qualities that are going to fulfill them and make a woman happy.
A Good Guy has his stuff together and is confident and self-reliant. He has a positive mindset and a balanced life. He is accountable and genuine, which is what women are really looking for.
So How Is a Good Guy Different?
He treats a woman with respect and has open communication. He doesn’t expect her to read his mind and doesn’t do things expecting reciprocation or some silent contract that fulfills him internally.
He is thoughtful, but not overbearing or stifling. He knows how to give a woman the space she needs but also when to be there for her.
He doesn’t cheat or play manipulative games. He’s mature and treats her the same.
He lets his woman know she is desired and wanted but doesn’t suffocate her.
He isn’t cruel, even when they are fighting. He knows how to have an intelligent argument that leads to fixing things, not just trying to hurt each other.
He makes a woman feel secure and protected. This isn’t just about physical protection but giving a woman support so she can be the person she wants to be.
He makes plans but doesn’t boss her around. He is decisive but takes the woman’s interests and feelings into consideration.
He does things because he wants women to be happy and with him, not because he is trying to get something out of you.
He sees potential and isn’t just looking for notches on his bedpost. He isn’t trying to use his Good Guy status just to get a woman into bed. This relationship might not be forever, but he’s not looking around for other options while he’s with a woman.
Doesn’t devalue the friendship he has with the woman. He knows this is important, not just a way to get something from the woman (like sex).
How Can I Change My Nice Guy Habits?
The good news is you can break this cycle.
First and foremost, realize that your happiness needs to come from within. You cannot rely on the actions of others to fulfill you. Bedding a thousand girls will not fulfill you, or money or a host of other things. You need to understand that. Remember, the woman does not owe you anything just for being your friend. Just because you are nice to her, doesn’t mean she has to sleep with you. Becoming her friend might just end up being the best thing to happen to you and might become one of the most meaningful relationships in your life, even if it doesn’t go where you originally planned.
Learn to say “No.” You need to set boundaries and understand that you can’t (and shouldn’t) be all things to all people.
Take care of your own needs first. This doesn’t mean being selfish, but as I said above, you have to put your own mask on before you can help others.
Take responsibility. Understand that by placing unspoken demands on others, you are actually being toxic, unfair and petty.
Be concise in conversation. Ask small, to-the-point questions. You aren’t trying to please people with flattery or talking a lot when getting information. Be direct and to the point, though pleasant.
Don’t seek external approval. You need to find your approval within. You cannot base your value on what others (especially women) think of you.
Have goals and don’t ignore them in order to help others. Be nice and supportive and help when you can, but you need to achieve your own dreams and goals.
Don’t avoid confrontation. When you don’t address issues, they simmer and fester inside. That’s how passive aggression begins, and then it all erupts. Tackle issues before they get too big and do it in a constructive way and as politely as possible. However, don’t be a pushover and know that you have the right to be happy.
Agreement Should Not Be Your Go-To Move
Too often, Nice Guys don’t want to cause problems when they talk to women, so they agree with everything they say. The hope is that this will endear them to the woman because you make a connection through agreement.
Be yourself. If you disagree with a comment or statement, say so. Be nice, don’t be argumentative, but speak your mind. She’s going to value that more than blindly agreeing with her.
Balance
Sometimes Nice Guys spend so much time trying to please women (and others) that they lose sight of the balance in their life. They don’t make time for their guy friends or even their alone time. By balancing your life, you will understand how you need different interactions to be happy and fulfilled.
You Are Not Missing an Opportunity
One of the main thoughts behind the behavior of a Nice Guy is that if he’s always there for a woman, eventually she’ll turn and look at him with different eyes. Instead of seeing a friend, she’ll realize that she loves this man and fall into his arms. Then the music plays, and you realize that your life really is a romantic move. Fade to black as you kiss…
Oh, stop. Life isn’t a movie.
You aren’t going to miss out on some magic moment where she suddenly realizes that you are the one she loves. By dropping everything and rushing to her side, you are not making yourself indispensable.
In fact, if she were going to suddenly have a realization, it’s because you were not there. It’s more likely that she misses you and realizes she is interested when you are not there. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Get Rid of The One for One Mindset
Nice Guys tend to keep track. They create this mindset where they are waiting for things to come back to them. They did a certain number of nice things for a woman, so it’s time for her to reciprocate.
Except the world doesn’t work that way. You need to just be yourself. Be a good guy and do thoughtful things and pay compliments, but don’t do it expecting a one-for-one return on your investment. Just do it because that’s who you are.
Increase Your Independence
Independence is something that women are always attracted to. They love that you can be alone and get your stuff done.
So, add to this. The more independent you can be, the more confidence you will build. Believe me, they will notice this. Instead of allowing your life to fall to pieces because you are helping others, you’ll be making your own life stronger, which women will respond to.
Create Your Own Schedule
Have you ever been getting ready to do something fun or maybe even work and you get that text or call that someone wants your time for something that’s really not that important?
Do you say you can’t because you’re wrapped up in something or do you drop it all, putting your own life on hold to go off and attend to someone else’s needs?
We know what the Nice Guy does.
Your time and schedule are not only important, but they are also valuable. Give it to people who deserve it but also guard it. You need to take care of your responsibilities and needs first.
So, who do you want to be? The Nice Guy or the Good Guy?